Best Parent Ever

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The Best Parent Ever is so much better than you because they have created an entirely new linguistic form to apply to their very special and unique (and better) children. It is the Dumb Baby Name. And from the looks of the submissions in our recent contest, Dumb Baby Names are only getting dumber. Here are the six finalists, and why we chose them. Please vote at the bottom of the post.

Abcde (pronounced “Absedee”) — We chose this for the sheer laziness of it. Need a baby name? Just take the first five letters of the alphabet.

EPSN (pronounced “Espin”) — More like W.T.F.? And what if the parents suddenly start watching Fox Sports instead? Probably the only thing worse than having an unwanted name tattooed on your flesh, is having your kid named after a network you no longer watch.

Orangello and Lemongello (pronounced like they are spelled, but with a “jello” sound) — We like these names because they sound like dessert or after-dinner drinks. The advantages to this is that you can be in a restaurant, shouting at your kids, and the waiter might think you’re just ordering very loudly. The next thing you know, a dish of something sweet and alcoholic shows up. Best Parent Ever wins again! (Added bonus: the urban dictionary defines Lemongello as “a given name meaning your butt is the widest part of your body.” Orangello means “the mother of all flotsam.”)

Nevaeh (”heaven” spelled backwards) — There is a whole subgenre of Dumb Baby Names in which a perfectly normal name is spelled backwards. Why? So the child can one day see “heaven” in the mirror? Or are these parents just dyslexic? And what happens when you combine a backwards spelling parent with a plain old lazy Dumb Name Parent. Can the name “Edcba” (”Abcde” backwards) be far behind?

Xy (pronounced “Zie”) — Is this child named after their chormosomal contents? Who knows! It was one of many outstanding X names submitted, including Xyler (pronounced “Zyler”) and Xyz (pronounced “Zice”). Face it: English-speaking people don’t know how to pronounce names that begin with X. So even if you named your kid Xavier, you’re still asking for trouble.

Shi’thead — Pronounced “Shi’thaad.” Maybe in some parts of the world this is a perfectly normal name. But here it is just pure evil parenting genius.

Vote now!