A few more reminders to throw your way before you both drive me to drinking before noon!
First, my loving child:
Waking up on the wrong side of the bed is fine...but you only have one option: get over it or catch a butt whippin. If you need further proof that your mother is not in the mood this morning, pay attention to the end of the letter where I will go into detail about my need for caffiene.
Secondly: A tummy ache and hunger are two different feelings...a tummy ache constitutes illness, while hunger does not. You are not sick...you need to eat breakfast. No...you cannot have poptarts. Your father and I pay that school ridiculous amounts of money each year to feed you twice a day and they have a healthy breakfast ready and waiting for you.
Thirdly: It does not now nor has it ever taken you 30 minutes to tie your shoes. You are not going to stay home and making yourself late for school is not going to inspire me to allow you to have poptarts for breakfast...in fact it may just inspire me to teach you a lesson by allowing you to go hungry until lunch. Move. Your.Ass.
Fourthly: Brushing your teeth should not make you cry. You are being ridiculous. You only have like...two teeth left in your head...keep it up and I'm cancelling Christmas...that's right... I said it...me and the dude in the big red suit are like THIS (insert fingers crossed to simulate closeness smiley here) and I have no problem telling him that you've been a butt munch this morning...Mostly because your useless bio-unit lets you stay up till all hours and your sleep pattern has been royally fucked.
Fifth and final warning to you small fry: I don't know where your agenda and take home folder are. Do not dare to presume that I removed them from your backpack in some sinister plan to get you in trouble this morning. You left them at school- most likely in an attempt to cover up some behavior indiscretion that would have inhibited your trick or treating Friday. If it is INDEED lost...which I doubt...your piggy bank will be paying to replace it...and that badboy costs 20 bucks to replace... If I were you I'd get a bully to punch out a couple more teeth and have that tooth fairy lady come...otherwise mommy is going to put your ass to work and you will EARN that 20 bucks... do I have your attention yet? Good...and remember this one my baby boy... that halloween candy can and will be taken out to the trash can should my theory about your behavior report be correct.... just a heads up.
Oh...love of my life...did you think I forgot about you??? hahaha...fat. fucking.chance.
We've been together awhile now. I've never been a morning person...and you know for a fact that I'm not human before copious amounts of caffiene have entered my blood stream...preferably in the form of coffee. And yet knowing all this you still manage to fuck with me before said caffiene infusion takes place. I bear no responsibility for coming down on you like the wrath of God when you proceed to be a dumbass at 6 AM. I'm sorry you're tired because you "worked all night"...I did too hun...and guess what I DON'T get PAID for my job. I'm running on less than an hour of sleep and your accusation that I wouldn't be so tired if I hadn't been "up all night talking to dudes on facebook" not only shows your retardation in full...but your insecurity as well. I had a life before you...and in that life I knew other men...and guess what... I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH 99% OF THEM..."
oh...and P.S...I don't get on facebook much. I was only on there last night to comply with a few requests for halloween pictures of our chirrens.
Oh...and that shitty diaper you changed this morning... I totally knew about it and left it for you to deal with....
paybacks a bitch ain't it???
Love you both and screw you both... I'm going to starbucks...
your loving wife and mother...