Good Enough Parenting - The Next Big Thing?

Where I work we have a very handy acronym - GEMO - Good Enough, Move On. So since we all suffer from the effects the children of the BPEs have on our world around and sometimes we just don't don't have an articulated philosophy (no, "fuck you yuppie bitch" is an articulated sentiment, not an articulated philosophy) I hereby humbly offer

GHOST DOG'S TOP TEN RULES OF GOOD ENOUGH PARENTING

10. Children are Durable
Children, even babies are like weeds, they grow and grow and grow. Unless stomped on or completely not fed or watered they are almost impossible to kill. They're kids, and while you love yours like no other I'm sure, every last one of them is cheap as dirt. Even BPE kids.
9. Feed Them
OK, this is kind of obvious and crosses over into several other parenting philosophies. When they are babies, feed them breast milk if ya got, or whatever's going around at the WalMart if you don't. When they are old enough to play with their food, Cheerios are awesome, just don't put them in little baggies and carry them in a fanny pack to the playground. Even if your child can't talk yet, they will be emabarassed.
8. As a Matter of Fact, I am the Boss of You
This is a tough one for single parents, who often have to spend long periods of time with just their kid as their only companion. It's tough, but you are the parent, not the best friend. You only have to say "No" in the candy aisle about 20 times before they get it. Give in once, they win.
7. Children Are, In Essence, Savages
What's the matter, didn't read Lord of the Flies? Civilization is a learned trait, and often hard learned at that. Which leads us directly to 6.
6. When They Are Two-And-A-Half Get Them The Hell Out of the House
Drop in preschool at your older kid's public school is fine, and please don't fret over the "school" part of this. Day care professionals will tell you it's about "socialization, communication skills and early childhood education." Well, they're right. In GEP Lingo: Learn to stand in line, get in the circle, say please, this is a ball. Other fantastic benefits? They get lots of viruses, thereby building their immune system and getting sick way less in real school. They also learn a huge lesson - when Mommy goes away, she comes back, every time. Magic! Imagine having a 3 year old that just says "bye mummy" and off you go - spa, bar, what have you.
5. Live An Uncensored Life
Let them hear it all, see it all at a very early age. OK, I do not mean porn - I am not so stupid as to think that graphic sex isn't damaging to little kids. But swearing, what you actually think about George W, your boss, or that 22 year old twit pretending to be your kid's teacher. Swear away, somebody's gotta teach em.
4. Poo Jokes Are Always Funny. Always
Right up to about age 12 for girls, forever for boys. And if your kid wants you to admire that giant turd they just laid, have a look and high five him. It probably means more than that stupid gold star he got from the twit in item 5.
3. There is No Such Thing as "Good" Children's Music
Burn it all. Get it the hell off of this earth. If you play real music for your child they will grow up considering that to be normal. Whether it's Bob Marley, ZZ Top or Iggy Pop, play your tunes, watch your kids. They will show you what they like.
2. Laugh
Laugh at the nose bubbles, laugh at the poo jokes, laugh at whatever you want. Children apparently have an unlimited capacity for it.
1. Love 'Em Good
Love 'em, protect 'em, be on their side. You are all they got and she will always remember the day you told the principal she was a dried up old cunt and then the two of you went out for ice cream.

Follow these rules and you have a pretty good chance of being the cool mom who is allowed to come to the college dorm for beer & pot parties. Of course having pot helps. And bring your Sublime cds. Don'tcha know - they're retro now!

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