Jokes

[Kapihopela]

  that is great!!!!!!!!

[Fruity]

Not sure if this is somewhere in here yet or not but here goes:

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
 
 Here are the winners:
 
 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the  subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

 2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
 
 3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you  realize it was your money to start with.
 
 4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
 
 5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about  yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
 
 7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
 
 8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
 
 9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
 
 10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
 
 11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these  really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
 
 12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
 
 13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
 
 14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
 
 15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
 
 16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
 
 17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
 
 The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
 
 And the winners are:
 
 1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
 
 2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
 
 3.. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
 
 4 esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
 
 5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
 
 6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
 
 7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
 
 8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
 
 9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has  been run over by a steamroller.
 
 10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
 
 11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
 
 12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
 
 13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

  14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
 
  15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
 
  16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

[Kapihopela]

 2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

OMFD I am SO using this word from now on, I may have found a new favorite!

[LadyinRed]

  I love the Pokemon one!

[LadyinRed]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’

‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’

‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’

‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?’

[Ghost Dog]

A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at his car. The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in one hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk.

He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he is a penguin and it is Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has the vanilla ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth - a total mess.

He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic. "Did you find out what is wrong with my car"?

The mechanic replies "It looks like you've blown a seal".

"No no” - says the penguin, “It's just ice cream."

[Kapihopela]

[nomorewirehangers]

 

[Ghost Dog]

A question for the ages, hereby posed to the garage dwellers

IF a man speaks in a forest

AND there isn't a woman there to hear what he says

Is he STILL wrong?

Part two: does this belong in the joke thread? Cause when I saw it on a t shirt, I laughed.

[Snatch]

Yes. 

[GeekMom]

A question for the ages, hereby posed to the garage dwellers

IF a man speaks in a forest

AND there isn't a woman there to hear what he says

Is he STILL wrong?

Part two: does this belong in the joke thread? Cause when I saw it on a t shirt, I laughed.

Definitely. Unless he is single and and orphan. Then he is still wrong, but no one cares.

[Sapho]

   A woman is in the hospital to give birth. Afterwards the doctor comes in and says "I have some bad news."
           In a panic she says "What?! What`s wrong with my baby?!"
           "Well," the doctor begins "I don`t want you to panic. The child is healthy and in no danger.   
           but it's a hermaphrodite"
           "What`s that?" the puzzled mother says.
           "Well.....it means the baby was born with the.....uhm...key characteristics of both a male and female."






            The mother looks up in shock and says "You mean it has both a penis AND a brain?"

[Sapho]

Q. Does a bear crap muslim extremists in the woods?

A. It does now.

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=926669

I don't know what's funnier, that they had such bad hygiene they didn't know they were in a bears den, or that they were making pudding when they bought it.

[Kapihopela]

THE TAXMAN

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[Snatch]

Question:
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
 
Answer:
A crazy bitch who will find you!