Jokes

[Snatch]

 

[Snatch]

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad
news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman
was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting
room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't
well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by
some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two
were celebrating.  The woman told her friends they were drinking to her
impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS ." The friends were
aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone."
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In
Order."

[Kapihopela]

[tballscreamer]

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?









Because they don't have balls.

[tballscreamer]

How is an Irishman like a snowblower?











If you keep them in perfect condition, you can get them to work for 2 and a half months out of the year.

[ronin]

Ron was in big trouble with his wife. He forgot his wedding anniversary. Naturally his wife was livid. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds!! AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ron got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ron has been missing since Friday.

[Kapihopela]

bwahahahahahahahahaha

[ronin]

A cowboy is riding across the plains of the Old West, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty.
"You have been sentenced to death,'' said the Chief, "but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests.''

The cowboy thought for a minute and said, "Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse.''

"Give him his horse,'' said the Chief.

The cowboy whispered something into the horse's ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods...

"Second wish,'' said the Chief.

"I'll need my horse again,'' said the cowboy.

"Give him his horse,'' said the Chief.

Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful red-head on its back.

The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods...

"This is your last wish,'' said the Chief, "make it a good one.''

"I'll need my horse again.''

"Give him his horse,'' said the Chief.

The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head and put his face right up to the horse's.

"Look, it's POSSE, ok, POSSE!!!''

[forrest]

   I dont get it...

[Kapihopela]

posse, sounds like pussy...... the horse keeps bringing back women......

I thought it was funny Ronin.

[ronin]

  I dont get it...

I. Bet. You. Don't. 

[forrest]

  I dont get it...

I. Bet. You. Don't. 

 

noice!  kapeessh! 

TU!

[Mrs. B]

what do u call a bunch of cows masturbating....






BEEF STROKINOFF

[ronin]

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden; but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

                                               Love, Papa

A few days later he received this letter from his son:

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

                                               Love, Vinnie

At 6 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

                                               Love, Vinnie

[Fruity]

hahahahaha Ronin - that was cute!