Jokes

[Sapho]

 Not sure if this is a repeat, but here goes.

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'

At this the woman broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

   

[Sapho]

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one right here.”

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple she said, by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

[Sapho]

A little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks: "Hey there, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, " I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says: "I'm feeling generous today!

'I'll give you 20 Bucks and a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and go for a ride with me."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...

"Look Dad, You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley! So ride it by yourself!"

[GeekMom]

 

Those are all good Sapho!

[Sapho]

Sheriff Morgan was driving through his small Wyoming town when he spotted Billy Jenkins walking down Main Street wearing only his cowboy hat and boots. He pulled over and asked Billy what the hell did he think he was doing?

"Well, Sheriff," he said, "I met this girl in the bar. We hit it off and we went back to my trailer. She told me she always wanted to make love to a cowboy wearing only his boots and hat. Well, I got naked except for them, and she got naked and laid down on my bed and told me to go to town. So, here I am."

[BPE]

 

[ronin]

Not sure if this is a repeat, but here goes.

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'

At this the woman broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

   

If for nothing else in my life, I am probably going to Hell just for laughing at this.

[Kapihopela]

If you're going than we can meet up and have cocktails, cause I"ll be there too.

[ronin]

Sweeeeeet!! 

[Kapihopela]

Maybe I"ll even get you to take a toke, since you're down there already and everything lol.  What better place to corrupt'ya......

[Monica]

I'll be joining you too.

[Kapihopela]

Sweet, I'll save you a chair lol.

[tballscreamer]

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a grade 4 student ...
 
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.  "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
 
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
 
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
         
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
             
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
             
'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck!', the Rottweiler ate her!
             
The teacher had to leave the room.

[ronin]

 

[Sapho]

Three friends married women from different parts of the US. The first man married a woman from Wisconsin. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from North Dakota. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Colorado. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.