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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 36938 times)
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ronin
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« Reply #330 on: October 16, 2010, 09:36:15 PM »

Liar Liar

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and asked, "May I see your driver's license?"

The driver answered, "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."

The officer asked, "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"

The driver answered,"It's not my car. I stole it."

The officer asked, "The car is stolen?"

The driver answered, "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."

The officer asked, "There's a gun in the glove box?"

The driver answered, "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer asked, "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"

The driver answered, "Yes, sir."

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

The Captain asked, "Sir, can I see your license?" The driver answered, "Sure. Here it is." It was valid.

The Captain asked, "Who's car is this?"

The driver answered, "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card." The driver owned the car.

The Captain asked, "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"

The driver answered, "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

The Captain asked, "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."

The driver answered, "No problem." Trunk is opened; no body.

The Captain said, "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."

The driver answered, "Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!"
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forrest
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« Reply #331 on: November 03, 2010, 11:24:25 AM »

A man goes in for a checkup and says, "Doctor, I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

The doctor says, "Mr. Thomas, bring her with you tomorrow and I'll see what I can do."

The next day, the man returned with his wife.

"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas",the doctor says "turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, Okay, put your clothes back on."

Doctor takes the husband aside. "You're in perfect health, your wife didn't give me an erection either."

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Snatch
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« Reply #332 on: November 07, 2010, 05:59:02 AM »

Oh snap!
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If you don't want to stand behind our military, feel free to stand in front of them.

Don't be SO liberal minded your brain falls out.
ronin
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« Reply #333 on: November 07, 2010, 07:55:54 AM »

This one made me think of Hangers.  Cheesy

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Larry’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.

Larry’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Larry sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

“Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday.

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’”

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, “Do what ever you want.”

So, Here I am.
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forrest
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« Reply #334 on: February 14, 2011, 11:58:30 AM »

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

"You shall know tonight", he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it. She found a book ...entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".
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Mrs. B
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« Reply #335 on: February 14, 2011, 12:39:17 PM »

lmao forrest that one was awesome
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Kapihopela
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« Reply #336 on: February 14, 2011, 01:09:57 PM »

I giggled.  you don't see many clean jokes.
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Deep down I'm really just a BPE with an appetite for punishment.
forrest
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« Reply #337 on: February 21, 2011, 02:04:33 PM »

A man goes to CVS pharmacy and asks to see a male pharmacist. The woman says that she is the pharmacist and she and her sister owns the store.

He says, "This is embarrassing for me, I have a permanent erection, I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $5,000 in cash!"
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