Monday, March 24th, 2008...10:45 pm
#13: Shopping Cart Covers
The Best Parent knows the world is filled with germs. They are everywhere. But mostly, they are on the handles of shopping carts in gourmet food markets. This is where Best Parent and best child alike shovel numerous free samples of bruschetta and tapenade down their germ-infested gullets. And where are they wiping their hands afterward? That’s right — they’re not! While the Best Parent loves their child more than you do, shopping cart germs lead to sick children, and sick children cramp the Best Parent’s busy social schedule. But what can these Best Parents do? They have reservations at 7 pm, and their precious brood are being threatened with social-life killing child bacteria!
The answer for the Best Parent is, as always, to spend a substantial sum of money on something billions of non-best parents never even knew existed, let alone felt compelled to use — the shopping cart cover. Everyone knows these supermarket carts are cold metal petri dishes of disease! The Best Parent only has to look back to their European heritage to see the damage done by lax health standards. Were there shopping cart covers in 14th century Europe? Nope. And can you say Black Plague?
The shopping cart cover not only protects their child from all manner of diseases. It also announces to one and all in the aisles of Whole Foods that, “Yes, you may be eating fat free goat cheese too, but is your child ensconced in germ-free splendor? No, I didn’t think so.” And that’s why the Best Parent is better than you.
So take that, Patient Zero in aisle 3 by the children’s organic-honey cough medicine! Enjoy your night at home with the sick child. The shopping-cart-cover-toting Best Parent will be out living it up in style at their nearest upscale brasserie, slapping that same cover (without washing it) on the eatery’s well-used highchair, because everyone knows luxury restaurants are teeming with diseased children as well.
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22 Comments
March 24th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
Me again.
Just wanted to let you know I HAD to email a coworker the link to your blog today!
I know I should have sooner, but the first sentance of today’s blog was her all over. She is a self professed OCD that has to nearly go through a bottle of hand sanitizer a week…oh, and she is white too.
March 25th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
Great post keep up the good work
March 26th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
This is freeking hillarious. I love it! We bought one of these with our first kid and it was such a pain in the butt we used it maybe twice. There is a whole slew of things germophobe parents can buy this is just one of them. My sister owns them all and her kids are sick more often than mine are.
March 27th, 2008 at 5:42 am
Oh, this is hilarious! When I first heard about this, I thought, ‘White people need to get an immune system!’
I will soon be posting something about how Desis (Indians) find white people hilarious for just this reason.
http://www.desis101.wordpress.com
March 27th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
very funny. i got two of these as gifts. most useful for propping up my kid before he was big enough to sit in the seat. You’ll be happy to know that the same bottle of purell I had on hand at his bris will be available for guests at his first birthday party as it has hardly been used. I love your blog!
April 3rd, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Oh, good Lord, if you’re THAT worried about cooties, don’t take the kid shopping.
1 for 13.
April 14th, 2008 at 12:16 am
Please, won’t someone think of the poor little child in the first photograph!
Somebody call Social services, now!
April 16th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
I laughed my ass off at this. I saw not one, but two of those things about a week ago for the first time ever. My wife and I, despite being pedigreed whiteys, had never seen them before and snickered out loud like little kids at the sight of this poor baby in a giant, form fitted quilt thing with leg holes etc. To make it even better, the 2 covered-cart pushers passed by each other and you could almost hear their souls crush simultaneously. As an aside, they were both mid-30ish, had pageboy/ Posh Spice hairdos, clamdigger pants with high-end jogging shoes, and tight t-shirts to show off their incredible healthclub dedication. Homogenous to the extreme. Priceless in so many ways…
April 17th, 2008 at 2:58 am
I thought those things were intended to help babies stay vertical before they could sit up on their own. I just used rolled up blankets to prop my kid up, even though I’m white. I had no idea about the germ angle. That might explain why my little urchins are so healthy…
no Purell + no cart covers=healthy immune system
May 22nd, 2008 at 10:38 am
you are serious that these things exist?!?!? i have never seen the like over here in the UK!
i like my kids to get a good does of germs, how are they ever gonna fight off illness if their body freaks out every time a new one is introduced….
June 2nd, 2008 at 1:41 pm
I love our car cover, because he NAPS in it while I shop. I have the Prop R Shopper and it is the best invention EVER….
June 2nd, 2008 at 4:48 pm
It’s not always for the germs! Where I shop the carts are stored outside and the temp can dip to -35 in the winter. Would you want to sit in a cart that cold? I wouldn’t!
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:40 am
LOL. i used this until my son got out of that “i want to chew on the cart” phase. after that, i never used it. it is a hassle but it was useful for a while. oh, yeah, i’m black.
June 4th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
This is one of the few things on your blog I actually do use and use often. My son chews on everything he get his mouth near and I get tired of pulling his mouth off of shopping cart bars! Not to mention the slobber he leaves behind.
Plus mine has toys attached to keep him busy while I shop. I actually do like the thing though I’m not sure how long I’ll use it. Probably until he can sit in the car shopping carts, where all the real germs are!
June 16th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Why do people need cart covers when those helpful cart manufacturers have already provided hard plastic teething rings over each handle? Gnawing on those provided fabulous immunity to my daughter, who doesn’t even know what the school nurse looks like.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:29 am
I absolutely love my shopping cart cover. It has loops that you can connect toys to, and pockets where I can place little bites of whatever snack I’m carrying for him that day. Between the toys and the snacks he stays occupied so that I can shop in peace! Not to mention, my son was a preemie and wal-mart is an RSV breeding ground. Laugh all you want…my son is 15 months old and hasn’t been sick a day in his life.
July 7th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Whoa whoa whoa…Best Parents don’t shop at WAL-MART?!?!?!?!?!
September 16th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
The first time I saw one of those things, my jaw just about hit the floor. WTF? My kids have yet to drop dead from touching (or even chewing on) the shopping cart. And they were probably sick less than some of their more coddled friends. But then I am the mom who lets them roll in dirt, and who doesn’t freak if they don’t sanitize their hands before grabbing an apple out of the fridge.
November 5th, 2008 at 3:43 am
So many people these days are germophobes like me! I even bought the cart cover! My friend sent me a really neat gift for my kids and me. It is called a Germy Wormy. It reduces the spread of germs as it is a “disposable sleeve to protect clothes” and is a great tool to teach my kids to cough and sneeze in their elbow instead of their hands. Check out their website.
http://www.germywormy.com
They have a fun for kids puppet show, activities, and a place to order the “arm sleeve”.
March 31st, 2009 at 4:43 am
“The answer for the Best Parent is, as always, to spend a substantial sum of money on something billions of non-best parents never even knew existed, let alone felt compelled to use”
And that is the quote which summarizes why I have just fallen in LOL with your blog.
June 20th, 2009 at 4:33 am
I agree, they are not always used for protection against germs. You can also them for letting your baby sleep in the cart, which was soooo great for us.
We had that baby that had the WORST colic ever and she never slept, ever. She loved the feel of silky satin fabrics, it helped soothe her so when we found a silky shopping cart cover it was the best thing ever! She actually stopped crying while we shopped and fell asleep! We got ours from luluboo
http://luluboo.com/SB/Product/BabyShoppingCartSeatCovers/silkyshoppingcartcoverschoice.html