Thursday, May 22nd, 2008...1:11 am
#35: Secret Tummy Tucks
The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they have a flatter stomach. It’s that simple. This is because the Best Parent Ever’s skin is like flesh-colored spandex, magically snapping back into place after being stretched outward several feet by a kicking, punching fetal Sumo or two. And cosmetic surgery had NOTHING whatsoever to do with it.
Unless you understand the secret Best Parent Ever Code. For instance, if you ask a Best Parent how they obtained such a flat stomach just a few months after birth, they will respond in one of several ways…
“I guess I just have good genes.” Translation: “Good genes that respond well to the medical sutures required in a Tummy Tuck.”
“I had to work-out really hard.” Translation: “I had to work out really hard convincing my health insurance to pay for a hernia operation, that was really just a Tummy Tuck.”
“My C-Section went incredibly well.” Translation: “My C-Section went so well, I had a second one a few months after birth. It was called a Tummy Tuck.”
So take that, Flabby Abby, whose life-giving womb is now a waistline-resistant, flesh-slide of belly blubber. The Best Parent Ever is comfortably squeezing into her size 2 jeans again, while looking at your belly and saying, “Congratulations! When is the next child due? Oh, you’re not pregnant? Whoops…”
Translation: “I’m sooo better than you!”
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12 Comments
May 22nd, 2008 at 5:28 am
hahaha. GrosS!
May 22nd, 2008 at 10:41 am
Haha! Great post.
(But I’m still getting one. Shhh!)
May 22nd, 2008 at 9:36 pm
i dont know why but on the radio today there was this funny thing
slimquick! turn ur lardass into a hardass!
this post reminded me of it
June 1st, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Those sneaky bitches.lol. After having my highly unwanted emergency c-section I looked down and thought what kind of evil doctor sews a saggy belly back together without snipping off the excess skin for free, I’m freaking already cut open!!! lol Unfortunately I am not the best parent ever and cannot afford the extravagance of sneaking back to the hospital for an elective surgery I will later lie about.
June 19th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
I can totally see how being genetically challenged would suck. Maybe they were formula fed? At least then they would have a legitimate excuse for not losing the weight post baby.
July 9th, 2008 at 8:49 am
Sounds like someone’s jealous of those of us who don’t eat the house down during pregnancy, those of us who can control ourselves enough not to gain 60 pounds, and those of us who are, yes, blessed. Not everyone needs a surgical intervention to look good.
August 6th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
re: above commenter: Sounds like being “blessed” with a flat stomach doesn’t necessarily mean being blessed with the genes to understand irony.
August 14th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
My stomach went back down, but my arse is still wide. If I had had a tummy tuck post partum, I entirely missed my arse.
October 27th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
To those women with the flat stomach… Congratulation. If no one else has told you, great job on getting back into shape. Not every woman who has a flat stomach after giving birth had a tummy tuck. I am NOT living proof. However, I do have friends that lost the baby weight immediately and I couldn’t be happier for them. Yes, I would like to have a great body again, but it does not mean I have to belittle other women for their accomplishments. We are supposed to be sisters. We are supposed to give loving, kind, encouragement to the women who have lost the weight, to the women who are still trying to lose the weight, and to the women who are not even trying (after all, they just joined the elite club we call “motherhood”). As long as we focus on what we don’t have (like a flat stomach, an ass void of dimples, or tits that don’t touch our belly buttons) and focus on our jealousy of others, we will never be able to be the sisterhood of women that we all need.
February 4th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
I think Tummy tuck is one of the best plastic surgery procedures
June 3rd, 2009 at 8:53 am
SS,
Some of us are “blessed” enough to be smart enough to be childfree and get surgically sterilized to avoid all this crap. Some of us (like you, for instance) are not. Oh well, we can’t all be the Best Nonparents Ever!