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Best Parent Ever readers were asked to choose which item they felt would be more educational for their children.

– Baby Einstein

– Baby Mozart

– Baby Bach

– Baby Got Back

– Baby Back Ribs

The winner? Baby Back Ribs.

The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they provide their child with the greatest educational opportunities money can buy. Is this because they value the expansion of their child’s mind? Sort of. More importantly, though, a reputable school reflects directly back on them. A prestigious academy doesn’t necessarily provide better learning, but it does announce to the world that this Best Parent Ever is soooo much better than you will ever, ever be.

But what about the actual, nitty-gritty, behind-the-scenes grind of actually making your kids smarter? Well, that is a task the Best White Parent Ever is happy to outsource. Literally. The Best Parent Ever can now hire tutors in India at a fraction of the price of domestic educational help. TutorVista, with teachers in Bagalore, is now offering a $49.99 Report Card Advantage Special. GrowingStars, in Cochin, India, has an introductory offer of $15 an hour — a fifth of the average price for the same kind of service in the U.S.

Of course, both offshore tutoring companies are owned by American corporations and venture capitalists, who take most of the profits. But this is also an important lesson for children to learn. Whether it’s fabricating the daily paraphernalia of their lives in toxic factories, or drilling through the impenetrable density of a child’s homework-resistant mind, all of life’s truly challenging tasks can — and should — be dumped on better-schooled people in poorer countries. Which is why Americans may be less educated, but they are twice as smart as everyone else. And the Best Parent Ever is even smarter than that.

So take that, caring parents who help their child with homework! The Best Parent Ever is shamelessly wallowing in top-school status, while Samir and Aditya in Bangalore do all the heavy lifting. Why yell at children to do their homework, the Best Parent Ever asks, when you can have someone in India instant message them about it instead.

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The Best Parent Ever is well aware that English is the best language ever invented. It is both the tongue of William Shakespeare and Jerry Seinfeld, two artists the Best Parent Ever greatly admires (although Seinfeld currently has the edge thanks to Bee Movie, which the Best Parent Ever would LOVE to let their kids watch — IF they let them watch TV).

Despite that certain je ne sais quoi of English, the Best Parent Ever also knows that it is imperative for their children to learn a second language. Future offspring must be able compete in the global marketplace, or at the very least understand what those day laborers are saying about them when they are asked to remove three truckloads of toxic backyard cement in the mid-August sun (note to Best Parent Ever: chigada and pendejo are NOT proclamations of affection, gringo).

Thus, educational toys are littered with second language instruction settings. Evil, little, monkey-toting imps shout out “Hola,” or “Ni hao” every few seconds on Nick Jr. And language immersion schools are springing up around the country faster than the Best Parent Ever can sing, “La-la-la-la-la-la-la Bamba” (which, understandably, are not exactly the lyrics to that song, but the Best Parent Ever doesn’t care).

“Why, all of a sudden, is there such a contretemps?” the lesser parent asks in their best French-like word. Like certain types of frogs, the Best Parent Ever is an indicator species warning of global economic catastrophes. The Best Parent Ever knows that today’s toddlers will one day grow up and need to ask some ridiculous robber baron in Beijing for a raise. And they will have to do it in Chinese, which they will already know because their parents were better than you.

So take that, mother tongue English! Your days are numbered, destined for the linguistic trash heap or some future subtitled movie by Mel Gibson. The Best Parent Ever has just taught their kid how to say “Bigger cubicle, please” in Mandarin.

And just in case global warming makes anything south of Nunuvut uninhabitable, they’ve also learned the Inuit words for: “One
quonset hut hut with a view, please.”

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