The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they share a hive mind, a single collective consciousness directed by the whims of attachment parenting experts and alternative lifestyle profiteers. Sort of like honeybees, or The Borg from Star Trek, but with better sunglasses.

The center of the hive mind, the proverbial mothership from which all crucial group-think emanates is the weekly Farmer’s Markets (every BPE neighborhood has one). There are no great proclamations or commands issued amidst the tasteful tents of organic pomegranate, wheat-free bread, and free-trade trinkets. It is a subtle exchange of social cues and non-verbal tweets. One day everyone is pushing a Bugaboo. The next: it’s Foray.

The BPE – Borg Parent Ever

Did you miss the miss that Directive from Command? Yes, of course you did. Because this whole exchange is completely invisible to the non-Best Parent Ever, who sanely eschews Farmer’s Markets for the local supermarket, with its double coupon values and child-restraining shopping carts. Grocery stores are actually about gathering food, and keeping your kid quiet in the cart’s child seat with an open box of crackers you haven’t paid for yet. The Farmer’s Market is about showing off your outstanding parenting skills and purchases, while you download the latest protocols of Best Parent Ever-ing.

So take that, Mother Earth! No one really gives a crap about your life-sustaining bounty and organic edibles — at least not at the BPE Farmer’s Market. Those aisles of soy candles and manure-soaked sprouts are only here to facilitate the controlling super structure of the Borg Parent Ever. And you MUST obey. You MUST!

Either that, or take your dumpy non-BPE ass over to the Safeway to stock up on those Club Card specials. You might even find a half-eaten box of crackers in the child seat. And you won’t pay for it either.

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The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they have more money. Oh, yeah. And their kids are not vaccinated.

A recent study in the Los Angeles Times demonstrated what most of us have suspected all along: shunning vaccinations is a rich person thing. The study found dramatic increases in children entering Kindergarten without their shots (as high as 86 percent at one charter school). But the unvaccinated are concentrated at the highest-priced private schools, and public charter schools in the state’s most affluent areas.

The non-vaccinated child is fast becoming the Best Parent Ever’s new elitist status symbol. Are their legitimate risks to getting your child vaccinated? Yes, of course, there are, but they are only for the rest of you poor slobs. Today’s Marie Antoinette simply cries out from her castle walls (in Brentwood): “Let them eat MMR vaccines!”

So take that, peasants and middle class suckas! The Best Parent Ever has every possible financial and social advantage over you, and now they can claim a non-vaccinated medical one as well. That is, until a measles outbreak wipes them all out at their charter school. Whoops! Score one for evolution. And the well-vaccinated non-BPE suckas of this world.

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The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they care enough for their children to dress them exactly like themselves.

Some might think a parent-child matching outfit is tacky. But not the Best Parent Ever. They know that the most important thing about a child is how he or she compliments The One Who Birthed Them. Children are like soft lighting or tequila – when used properly, they will completely enhance the appearance of ANYONE. And what’s more complimentary than swaddling one’s spawn in the exact same apparel sheathing your own middle-aged paunch and/or buttocks?

It’s all so simple: children are at their best when they are presented as exact, carbon copy, rubber stamp clones of the greatest person that ever lived… The Best Parent Ever. If you have not left the house recently with your child clad like a demented, baby-talking parental Mini-me of yourself, you obviously don’t love them. Or at least not as much as The Best Parent Ever.

So take that, D.N.A.! You may pass on all kinds of genetic material that make children look, act, and think almost exactly like their parents. But for the Best Parent Ever, that’s just not enough. Their children must dress exactly like them as well. They will be ordering two shirts now – one in extra-large adult, and one in toddler size. Same style, same color, same message: “We are so much better than you.”

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