The Best Parent Ever is not better than you because they homeschool their children. They are better than you because they make a big deal about it.
What do the rest of us get? Mostly… a lot of homework. There are plenty of parents out there spending two or three hours a day doing after-school assignments with their children. Is that not homeschooling too? Those children just happen to go to a big building with people calling themselves teachers inside it between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m. every day.
Do they actually learn anything at these big buildings that, they are told, are highly-regarded public grammar schools (they must be “good” — look at all the homework they give)? Who knows? And who cares? They’re out of the house for most of the day, seeing their friends, and learning the ridiculous social structures of our society that will help them later in life. As for cursive writing and state capitals? That’s what homeschooling, er, homework is for.
So take that, Laura Ingalls, studying your crummy phonics in that Little House on the Prairie. If you wanted a REAL education, you should have gone to a large, urban public elementary school with a few thousand kids who do nothing all day. As it is, you’ll just have to settle for a clumsy moral victory as the prototype for that incredible, homeschooling, Best Parent Ever.
So you thought you were a Best Parent Ever just because you used cloth diapers instead of disposable? Wrong! Try again. The true Best Parent Ever is STILL better than you — their children don’t even need diapers!
Hello…? It’s called Elimination Communication, an increasingly popular waste-management method that rejects all kinds of diapers in favor of constant parental patrols of Pee Street and Alley Poop.
That’s right, these babies are barebackin’ it. But don’t infants urinate, like, every 10 to 20 minutes? Ugh… maybe yours do. But the true Best Parent Ever is so perfectly attuned with not only their child, but the inner mechanics of their child’s bladder and bowels, that they can track the random mud scuds and pizzle drizzles down to the micro-second! And if they can’t, hopefully it’s not at their house (Pot Luck Childcare anyone?).
Perhaps you are asking yourself: have we really reached such an advanced level of social dystrophy that we have nothing better to do but spend hours upon hours honing our parental “poo-dar?” Why not just Pamper-Up and act like a grown-up, instead of a turd-tracking troglodyte? Because the Mud Hut Super Moms, who can’t afford real diapers, said it was a good idea, and several popular books on the subject have confirmed it. That’s why.
So take that, Baby Huey! You may just be a cartoon character, but your parents still did not love you enough to pull off your diapers and let you spray free and clear, like a Fourth of July pinwheel made of urine and feces. Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo would be proud. And so would the real Best Parent Ever.
Sad but true: even in divorce, the Best Parent Ever is still better than you.
How can this be? Isn’t the dissolution of a marriage one of the most traumatic events in every parent’s life? Well, yes, but the Best Parent Ever has found a way to put the “vision” in “division of assets.” And it’s not just about cashing out on community property. It’s about saying it loud and proud: “I’m a single parent! Feel sorry for me too!”
In the old days, a wealthy ex-wife was typically known as a “divorcee.” Now everyone’s a “single parent.” It doesn’t matter if they’re flush with million-dollar divorce settlements or a few thousand dollars of child support each month. The Best Single Parent Ever demands — no, they require — our sympathy as well. Thus, please imagine that “traditional” single mom, with her multiple, slave-wage jobs, disease-stricken hordes of children, and long-gone deadbeat dads. The life of the Best Single Parent Ever is EXACTLY like that, but without any of the hard stuff.
So take that, dumb-ass, welfare mother of ten! The Best Single Parent Ever has just stolen your sympathy vote and claimed your moral high ground, which, by the way, in their world has a beachfront view. Sure, the Best Single Parent Ever struggles too… with nannies, boarding school, and demanding social schedules. “It’s Complicated,” as well-to-do, self-proclaimed, single mother Denise Richards declares in the title of her new reality show. No, it’s not “complicated.” It’s the Best Single Parent Ever.
So take that, Baby Huey! You may just be a cartoon character, but your parents still did not love you enough to pull off your diapers and let you spray free and clear, like a Fourth of July pinwheel made of urine and feces. Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo would be proud. And so would the real Best Parent Ever.
