The Best Parent Ever is better than you, but unfortunately, they cannot reach the phone right now to tell you this, so please leave a message after the sound of their cloyingly cute (and barely coherent) children.  BEEP!

Is there anything more loathsome than a toothless three-year old on the outgoing message of voicemail?  Do parents really think the rest of the telephonic world wants to hear this?  It doesn’t matter if the child’s verbal skills are on a par with a tubercular wino’s midnight soliloquy in the liquor store alley.  Sorry we’re not home, but aren’t our children just adorable?

All of this is due to the Basic Calculus of Parenting, which states that: the ratio of a child’s cuteness is exponentially proportional to the level of kinship one has with that child.  This is best expressed by the equation…

Sure, that’s some fancy mathematical wizardry, but what does it all mean?  Basically: your children are ONLY cute to you.  And maybe grandma too.  But after that, the appeal plummets dramatically, especially when voicemail is involved.  This is why BestParentEver.com has started an official “Keep Our Children Off The OutGoing Voicemail” petition for our presidential candidates.  It simply requests that our next president make the FCC ban any telecommunication messages recorded by a child under the age of 9.  Please sign our on-line petition here.

So take that, John McCain and Barack Obama!  There will be no endorsements from us until you deal with the REAL issues in this campaign, instead of dodging them with pointless pronouncements about foreign policy, the environment, and the economy.  It’s time the FCC actually did something other than whine about profanity on the FX channel, and create a telecommunication policy we could all enjoy… at least for 30 seconds or so before the beep.

Remember: sign the petition.  For real.  Thank you.

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The Best Parent Ever may be better than you, but that does not keep them from planting their best brown nose firmly up the decision-making derrieres of those empowered to consecrate their toddler’s future.

These revered Titans of Totville tend to be those in charge of the best preschools, sports programs, and so-called “feeder” programs… that lead to the best preschools and sports programs. Even the better public school principals are beginning to draw some fawning for spawn. The Best Parent Ever will volunteer at a school years before their child is enrolled, donate (bribe) generously at the endless silent auction and fundraisers, and partake in all manner of predatory social networking that would put the bottom feeders on myspace to shame.

So take that, Thomas Jefferson! All men are NOT created equal, especially when it comes to preschool admissions and prestigious sports programs. The Best Parent Ever knows this all too well. And while they may be better than you, they are still beholden to lowly clerks, coaches, and underpaid educators determined to make them suffer miserably for their sins. As the old (just made up) saying goes: “Can’t be a B-P-E without a little kiss on the A-S-S.”

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The Best Parent Ever is not only better than you — they may BE you! But how would you ever know?

Why, take our new and informative Best Parent Ever Quiz and learn your true BPE score. Anyone who gets a score of 30 or more will get a prize — our endless mockery!

Click now to give it a try!!!

Feel free to put your score in the comment section!

NOTE: Unfortunately, the quiz only works in Internet Explorer, not Firefox.

For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!