The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they are ensuring their child feels “empowered” beyond all reasonable human (or even god-like) abilities, certain to succeed in this world with little more than their good looks and Mount Rushmore-sized ego.

Let’s face it: is there anything worse than the whole “believe in yourself” movement? Children’s media, education, and parenting techniques are all geared towards convincing our young ones they can succeed almost by self-esteem alone. Forget hard work, lucky breaks, and rich relatives. You just have to set your mind to a certain accomplishment — sort of like programming the Favorites on an Ipod — and then it magically plays out. Except, that’s not how it works. Otherwise, we would all be instant rock stars, astronauts, and the President of Canada (yes, we know they only have a Prime Minister, but empowered children won’t let that stop them).

Sure, building self-esteem is important, but so much of the empowerment movement feels like a kneejerk reaction to the esteem-crushing ’70s and early ’80s, when today’s parents were themselves growing up. On the other hand, a lot of those old latchkey kids turned out just fine. If only the same could be said of this new generation of uber-narcissists. Don’t take our word for it. Just ask anyone with an older child still living at home well into their late 20s and 30s, despite a Costco-sized surplus of post grad degrees and career-making opportunities. Note to Best Parent Ever: you won’t be getting that extra scrapbooking room anytime soon.

So take that, ya lazy-ass Pilgrims and your do-nothing Native American pals! How this incredible modern world was built up from a couple of maize seeds and rotten bark chips without child empowerment classes just baffles the mind of the Best Parent Ever. Too bad they didn’t have Blue from “Blue’s Clues” to find some food at the First Thanksgiving, or Dr. Sears to invent the papoose for the Indians. We’d all be better off by now. In fact, we’d be the Best Parent Ever.

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The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they never, ever spank their children. Really. Honest. They never do.

But let’s face it: there’s only so much you can accomplish with a “Time Out.” When a child has almost killed himself or another sibling by running into the street, making them stand on the Naughty Step doesn’t really do it anymore, thank you very much, Super Nanny. There is a reason human children do not have exoskeletons covering their posteriors, like, say, a Dungeness Crab or a Trillobite. This is so they can be spanked when they are bad.

But don’t let the Best Parent Ever hear this. They are completely against what they call “corporal punishment,” a term that seems to imply giving little Cody a swat on the rear is the same as shipping him off to Tookie Williams’ old cell on death row. No doubt, there are unjustly abused children in the world. But there are even more unjustly abused parents, whose offspring are in need of a good whoopin’!

So take that, Fruit of the Loom dudes – and the buttocks you are protecting! You are no match for the Best Parent Ever when they let loose with a little power paddlin’. But really – they don’t believe in spanking. Ever. And for that, they deserve a Time Out.

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The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they know EXACTLY what’s best for their new son’s penis, and will fight tooth and nail and foreskin for their right to make sure you do the same thing as them.

There are three topics that will start a barfight-style brawl in any Mommy & Me — breastfeeding, vaccinations, and circumcision.  But unlike the solid science and even-more-solid quasi-science that frame the first two disputes, circumcision spats take on a much more personal form.  Suddenly, the Best Parent Ever is concerned about the future sexual sensitivity of their infant’s joystick, the aesthetic appeal of an uncut knob, and whether little Johnny’s johnson looks the same as his dad’s, as if they are trying to somehow avoid any ill-fated comparisons between father and son while, say, promenading buck-naked together through a Gymboree.

The strange thing is: this cock fight is driven almost exclusively by mothers.  Fathers are primarily concerned with one thing regarding their son’s penis: that it be big.  Enormous, in fact.  Their boys should be like a 1970s porn star (but without the mustache).  Nothing else matters after that.  As for mothers?  They suddenly know more about what’s best for the male anatomy than the average urologist, sex expert, and entire non-female species combined.

So take that, trouser snake!  Your headgear is no longer determined by cultural, religious, or even medical customs, but rather The Best Parent Ever.  And that means this decision is not for members only.  It’s for the whole world to hear about, just so they too can realize how much the Best Parent Ever is better than you.

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