For the Best Parent Ever, there is no better way to say “I love you” to a child than by hiring someone else to say it for them.

No, we’re not talking about the ample supply of nannies, parenting coaches, and high-end preschool teachers.  This is a more subtle and profound expression: decorating the nursery.  This is where most parents can personally remind their child just how special and precious they really are to them.

Unless they’re the Best Parent Ever.  Then they can hire a professional Nursery Decorator to do the work for them.  Crib placement?  Color selection?  Coordinating the stuffed animals?  This is challenging work for the Best Parent Ever.

Either way, it doesn’t matter.  Because everyone knows the Best Parent Ever is a co-sleeper.  That custom-painted mural and professionally-“antiqued” rocking horse will soon gather dust beside the urine-resistant shabby-chic crib bumpers and organic mattress.  Our governments should forget about building new oil pipelines and just open some kind of high-speed tubular delivery system from the professionally-decorated nursery to the nearest thrift store to handle all this new found BPE crude.

So take that, sheep!  You will not be counted by the children of the Best Parent Ever, unless you’re hopping over a $14,000 Fantasy Carriage Crib.  After all, anyone can sleep.  Only the Best Parent Ever can pay someone a fortune to decorate their child’s bedroom.

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The Best Parent Ever is better than you because their infant wears baby kneepads.

Who knew crawling was such a hazardous activity for infants? Has the Best Parent Ever forsaken their understated Berbers for stylish wall-to-wall shards of glass?

So take that, future uppity folk who have descended from soft-kneed BPEs. The rest of the world will have grown up sharpening their leg joints on hardwood floors and Saxony plush broadlooms, making them that much stronger to knee you in the friggin’ groin when you annoy them. And you won’t be able to do anything about it with those those underdeveloped, phlegm-filled, kneepad-protected squid-sacs above your shins. But at least you – and your parents — will still be better than them.

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What does the Best Parent Ever have against cows?

To enter a BPE household is to discover a world without dairy. There is soy milk, rice milk, and almond milk, along with similarly-derived cheese-like products that often have the epicurean appeal of toilet grouting. For most of us, there is either cheese or “Cheez,” preferably with the word “whiz” after it. Everything else is just soy pus.

So take that, Old MacDonald! Your farm no longer rates even an e-i-e-i-o from the Best Parent Ever, with its barnyard full of lacto-toxic cows (as well as growth-hormone-bloated chicks, pigs, horses, and sheep). It would, however, be an entirely more acceptable aggro-business if your song went something like this…

Old MacDonald had a farm
B-P-E, I Am
And on this farm he only had soy.
B-P-E, I Am.
With fruit juice-sweetened treats
And flouride-free teeth
Here’s a pita chip
And organic rice-cheese dip
Everywhere it tastes like shit
Old MacDonald had farm.
B-P-E, I Am.
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