Tuesday, March 18th, 2008...4:18 pm
#9: Cell Phones for Children
The Best Parent always has something of the utmost importance to say. On the off chance they are not at their home computer to post this profound thought of the moment to their various Yahoo parenting groups, they are forced to express this insight in other ways. Unfortunately, the non-white nanny does not speak English. And neither does the $3,000 yorkshire terrier they are carrying in their Gucci dog bag. Perhaps they could call another Best Parent friend on the phone? Not if it entails listening to someone else other than themselves talk.
Enter the cellphone they have bestowed upon their Best Parent child, sometimes as early as preschool. Nothing says “I love you” more than being able to reach their child during preschool math class to let them know the new Paul Frank t-shirts just came in at Fred Segal.
Additionally, since the Best Parent’s child is being shuffled from school to dance class to art class to martial arts class to music lessons to various scheduled play dates by the non-white nanny, they understandably have a difficult time remembering their child’s exact whereabouts. The obvious solution to this quagmire is a cell phone for their child.
The child’s first cell phone is a big responsibility and therefore comes with a few rules. Prime among these rules is: the child is not allowed to use this cell phone. Ever. Unless, of course, it is to call their Best Parents to tell them they are the best parents in the whole wide world. Or, unless the Best Parent is calling to remind their child to thank them for getting them their very own cell phone.
The Best Parent is also teaching their child valuable life lessons. It allows their precious progeny to brazenly show off an inessential luxury to all the non-best children in the area who have to use disease-ridden payphones to contact their non-best parents. Thus, Best Parent children will learn to become better Best Parents themselves some day. Yet another Best Parent circle of life finds its completion.
So take that landline-lugging, non-best parent! The only thing more beautiful than seeing a child’s first tooth is hearing them on their first Bluetooth.
10 Comments
March 19th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
OK-Wait….
I am SO Black that I sport an afro. When I got my six year old son a cell phone (which can only dial, paternal grandma, maternal grandma, daddy’s cell phone, mommy’s cell phone, and the Po Po)-my WHITE neighbor got angry and yelled at me.
Yes-she actually yelled at me.
I later found out that it’s because THEY can’t afford to get their nine year old daughter a cell phone.
….So, this may mean these are the “wrong” sort of White people.
March 20th, 2008 at 3:57 am
black ghetto children have cell phones too
http://absurdtosublime.blogspot.com/
March 20th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
I find that hard to believe. How would the parents pay for the cell phones?
How many Black ghetto children do you know? I am Black and I don’t know any.
March 27th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
Yes, I know a 7 year old girl with one and I was shocked. I didn’t think that was a common thing until I read this post. I received my 1st cell my senior year of H.S.
March 30th, 2008 at 3:11 am
There is also a SIM call reader that allows you read your children’s SIM card and determine who they are calling.
Also, you can get a specially configured cell phone that allows you to listen in on pre-teen Ava’s calls on her cell phone.
My friend, Heidi, tells me there’s a whole industry for spying on your kids, centered around cell phones.
THE WHITE PARENT SAYS:
Ahhhh, a kindred spirit. Please give my best to Ava and Heidi — but only if you use their kids cellphones.
April 3rd, 2008 at 2:12 pm
What does ANY kid under the age of at least 15 need with a cell phone?!
1 for 9.
April 5th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Wow. I’m white, and I got my first cell phone during the summer of my senior year in college. I still have it, some 5 odd years later. Guess I’ll never fit in.
April 17th, 2008 at 4:57 am
I have four kids, our non white nanny (their Mom, Haa Haa) and I wont get anyone their own phone. They have to buy it using their own money. But if they get caught texting, while talking to another adult, we take away the CAR, which they paid for with their own money that they earned. Todays users of texting phones, etc have become so rude they will enter data while they attempt to physically talk to someone, if that someone is me, I just walk away, uninterested, and the conversation stops. Cell phone users in public have become a pariah, hopefully the ridiculous parents who smother their poor children with idiotic gifts that are so useless and mind killing, will stop and learn that a warm smile, firm handshake and an attentive ear, along with active listening is now a skill they must have to be successful.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
danielmybrother,
I am sorry, but if your child bought a car with their own money that they earned, you don’t have a right to take it away, for it is not yours to take to begin with.
That’s why its a good idea to buy them their first car with your money, not theirs. That way you have the moral high ground in restricting their car rights.
You realize of course that if the car is registered to them and not you, and you take it away, you are technically and morally committing grand theft auto and can get in legal trouble if your child has the thought of mind to report you to the authorities.
I bet you run your household like Guantanamo.
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:11 am
danielmybrother
It’s parents like you that raise children who have their kill counts at their local school on the nightly news.
If you were my parent, I’d have run away and joined the circus years ago.
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