Wednesday, June 4th, 2008...11:32 pm
#38: Secret Babysitters
The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they have the most incredible babysitter in the world, which they will never, ever share with the world, no matter how much the world begs.
This is because the name and phone number of a good babysitter is one of the most-closely guarded secrets in Terra Parentis Optimus (Best Parent Ever Earth). Best Parents will gladly reveal every sordid marital secret and hideous medical problem in their lives. But ask them the name of their babysitter? You’ll get nothing. The Federal Witness Protection program has looser security standards than the typical Best Parent Ever protecting a babysitter’s identity.
Why? Because a Secret Babysitter is the Triple Crown Winner of Best Parent Everness. (1) For starters, the not-so-simple act of finding and retaining a Secret Babysitter automatically makes you better than all the other parents. (2) Being able to boast about your incredible “date nights” while the Secret Babysitter watched your brood reminds everyone, again, how much better you are than them. (3) And finally, keeping that Secret Babysitter secret is one of the best ways to re-enforce the exclusivity of that very special club called…The Best Parent Ever.
So take that, socially-starved parents who haven’t left the house in years. You’re not missing anything — except a WHOLE LOT OF FUN!!! Don’t worry — the age when you can leave your children home alone will be along in, oh, about a decade or so. And by then, the only things you’ll have to worry about are the rowdy house parties and unwanted pregnancies your teenagers will insatiably pursue while you’re out trying to see some C-list romantic comedy. Kind of ironic when you think about it, which The Best Parent Ever will be doing, as they gleefully sip date-night Merlot tomorrow evening, blessed by the bounty of their Secret Babysitter.
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