Friday, March 28th, 2008...8:10 pm
#16: Wine
Wine is not only the Best Parent’s beverage of choice, it is a central psychological nutrient in their daily life support system. The Best Parent knows raising children is extremely challenging, even with non-white nannies, and preschool after-care shouldering most of the burden. It is especially hard for the Best Parent, whose brain is constantly taxed by the arduous task of having to think of someone other than themselves. But the old-style, hard-liquor booze and pills that sustained many a Best Parent forebearer no longer seems appropriate in this era of clean living and positive lifestyle choices.
Hello vino! Mother’s Little Helper is now a finely-priced Merlot. Yes, wine is an alcoholic beverage that will reduce your mind to a euphoric tangle just as efficiently as shots of vodka and tequila, but it carries the Best Parent’s much sought-after imprimatur of class and taste. A carefully-chosen vintage (in other words, one based on price) is a Best Parent windfall. Once again, it allows them to prove how much better than you they are — all the while getting just as sloshed off their knockers as the homeless drunks they pass on their way to Trader Joe’s (to pick up more wine). Best Parents on wine are not alcoholics. They are bon vivants and connoisseurs!
More importantly, forget having Best Parents over for a children’s playdate with anything less than three bottles of Chardonnay or Cabernet. Sobriety is a Best Parent sin, and the penance is having to talk to other Best Parents. So keep the Metrokane Rabbit Ears ready to open another bottle of Shiraz, which, as the Best Parent will so pompously boast, is nothing more than a low-rent Syrah. “Ha-ha-ha,” the Best Parent slurs quietly to themselves. “Just try to make that kind of sophisticated distinction between Absolute and Ketel One!”
So take that, sober and responsible parents with frayed nerves unrelieved by the numbing intoxicants of fermented grapes. The Best Parent is seeing the world in the rich and powerful hues of Napa Valley Red, where even family life has a warm and welcoming glow.
17 Comments
March 28th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
What time of day is it socially acceptable for white parents to start drinking the wine?
BTW, I love your blog, I’m just mad that you thought of this before I did. I thought I was a genius for coming up with it, but apparently you are the genius.
THE WHITE PARENT SAYS:
“The right time of day to start drinking wine is pretty much the second your offspring come home from school or aftercare. Especially if they have homework. We have a system: cabernet for math, white wine for spelling, and merlot for everything else. Hey…there’s no reason white parents should have to suffer through that drudgery too!”
March 29th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
hahaha, this is great
March 30th, 2008 at 4:42 am
I came across your blog a few days ago - I love it!! As I sit here drinking a glass of wine, I can’t stop laughing. I totally get where you’re coming from. And hope that everyone else who reads it understands that it’s not about race. It’s about pop culture and parenting in 2008. Too funny!!
March 30th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Go whiteparents keep it up
March 31st, 2008 at 1:25 am
White parents would like for their kids another few hundred years of the best affirmative action program ever devised.
March 31st, 2008 at 3:38 am
i really enjoy this blog… so true and very funny.
March 31st, 2008 at 10:23 am
StuffWhitePeopleLike does it better.
March 31st, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Wine is good. Bud Light is good, too.
March 31st, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Does Boone’s Farm count as wine? What about stuff that pours out of a box? I must be the “wrong kind” of white person :p
THE WHITE PARENT SAYS:
“Yes. You are.”
March 31st, 2008 at 10:17 pm
Sorry to nitpick, whiteparent,
but it’s “Ketel One”.
Surely nitpicking is something White Parents Like!
THE WHITE PARENT SAYS:
“Thanks! All fixed. We’ll exchange secret white parent handshakes later. Shhhh… Don’t tell anyone.”
April 1st, 2008 at 12:38 am
@ Stuffwhitepoeplelike reader- this isn’t stuffwhitepeoplelike remember that
April 1st, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Didn’t stuffwhitepeoplelike already do wine? hmm…. Try harder or quit
THE WHITE PARENT SAYS:
“Plagiarism is a wonderful white person tradition, which white parents enjoy too! But maybe you’re right. We QUIT!”
April 3rd, 2008 at 12:26 am
to thriller~
White parents like wine for different reasons than white people who are not parents do; white parents need wine and drink it to show status whereas white people drink it only for status.
April 3rd, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Sorry, I drink beer.
2 of 16.
April 8th, 2008 at 10:44 am
What time of day is it socially acceptable for white parents to start drinking the wine?
White parents sail. Traditionally drinking begins “when the sun is over the yardarm.”
April 9th, 2008 at 12:46 am
This is too funny!
I had some white friends in college that started me with the wine drinking thing. Rock on white parents! I’ll drink to that! 
http://www.satirah.wordpress.com
April 18th, 2008 at 4:53 am
Thriller, you are a nitpicky ass. This is the blogosphere, not the patent office.
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