Wednesday, March 19th, 2008...3:13 pm
#10: Play Dates
Since the Best Parent is very busy with some of the most important tasks imaginable to mankind, they have an overwhelming need to schedule things in their daily life. Each trip to the feng shui yoga consultant or the organic cotton aisle at Whole Foods must be well thought-out and planned in advance. And, of course, the Best Parent has already checked-in with one of their Yahoo parenting groups beforehand to make sure pesticide-free fennel bulbs are still on sale before jumping into the beloved SUV or 2008 Prius.
On the other hand, being the astute prodigy, the Best Parent’s child is also very busy. They have enormous amounts of after-school and weekend activities, such as musical expression lessons, conversational Mandarin classes, and even athletic pursuits, such as soccer (whatever THAT is). Therefore, the Best Parent’s child doesn’t have the opportunity to play spontaneously with their friends. Enter the scheduled play date.
Scheduled play dates serve a multitude of conveniences for the Best Parent. They no longer have to worry that stray children will wander into their yard unannounced, wanting to distract their child from jazz guitar practice or tai chi for toddlers. Besides, the Best Parent has only bought enough Mahi Mahi for three.
Play dates work because, like family therapy and Botox injections, they can be scheduled in advance for the Best Parent’s convenience and enjoyment. Randomness is for poor, non-best people living in the paths of Hurricane Katrina and Third Word dictators. Children, despite their inherent unpredictability, can be blissfully bent and twisted into schedules befitting the Best Parent’s lifestyle. The scheduled play date says, “Children need to play — but so do I. I am a Best Parent — now deal with it, darling offspring.”
So take that, Mommy Random and Daddy Surprise! The Best Parent realizes childbearing is a spinning roulette wheel that, with the right scheduling, will always land on the color “me.”
(By the way, this is what a pesticide-free fennel bulb looks like.)
5 Comments
March 20th, 2008 at 2:58 am
This is the first post I have read, got your link from stuffwhitepeoplelike. It’s very funny and I plan to read the rest of your posts after I drop you this line.
I wanted to give you some encouragement
(and your husband too- read his when I saw the link on yours- I hope for both of you that you get 2000 hits soon!
STUFF WHITE PARENTS LIKE: 2000 hits? All he cares about is the big 10k…and we all know why.
March 20th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
This is a cool site-although it is a small source of worry for me at this point: Am I way too White???
I actually plan large play dates-twice a year @ our house. We always invite everyone who signs up for the “Friendship Tree”.
The first one I planned was a Backyard Play & Pizza Date…1 hours of free playtime in the back yard, then 45 minutes of organized games, capped off with pizza and all natural fruit juices.
The other one was a Movie Date. The children got to vote on which movie would be seen from a list of three. The movie began @ 5 sharp. We served popcorn and (of course) all natural fruit juices.
This year we’re doing a “Bubble Date”…I am setting up the big bubble maker in the back yard and then providing the small hand held bubble blowers for all the guests. Of course there will be pizza and all natural fruit juices-LOL!
STUFF WHITE PARENTS LIKE: Yes, you are officially way too white. See you at the next sale at Nordstroms!
March 21st, 2008 at 2:03 am
keep up the good work
http://www.anythingblack.wordpress.com
March 26th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
No, no, you’ve got it all wrong. We schedule the play dates because we live in “transitional” neighborhoods that allow us to enjoy our urban lifestyle and deride the suburbanites for their lack of diversity, but, like, no way can we let our kids play with the urchins who live near us or send them to the neighborhood school.
April 3rd, 2008 at 2:13 pm
1 for 10.
This is sad, folks.
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