Wednesday, March 19th, 2008...3:13 pm
#10: Scheduled Play Dates
Since the Best Parent is very busy with some of the most important tasks imaginable to mankind, they have an overwhelming need to schedule things in their daily life. Each trip to the feng shui yoga consultant or the organic cotton aisle at Whole Foods must be well thought-out and planned in advance. And, of course, the Best Parent has already checked-in with one of their Yahoo parenting groups beforehand to make sure pesticide-free fennel bulbs are still on sale before jumping into the beloved SUV or 2008 Prius.
On the other hand, being the astute prodigy, the Best Parent’s child is also very busy. They have enormous amounts of after-school and weekend activities, such as musical expression lessons, conversational Mandarin classes, and even athletic pursuits, such as soccer (whatever THAT is). Therefore, the Best Parent’s child doesn’t have the opportunity to play spontaneously with their friends. Enter the scheduled play date.
Scheduled play dates serve a multitude of conveniences for the Best Parent. They no longer have to worry that stray children will wander into their yard unannounced, wanting to distract their child from jazz guitar practice or tai chi for toddlers. Besides, the Best Parent has only bought enough Mahi Mahi for three.
Play dates work because, like family therapy and Botox injections, they can be scheduled in advance for the Best Parent’s convenience and enjoyment. Randomness is for poor, non-best people living in the paths of Hurricane Katrina and Third Word dictators. Children, despite their inherent unpredictability, can be blissfully bent and twisted into schedules befitting the Best Parent’s lifestyle. The scheduled play date says, “Children need to play — but so do I. I am a Best Parent — now deal with it, darling offspring.”
So take that, Mommy Random and Daddy Surprise! The Best Parent realizes childbearing is a spinning roulette wheel that, with the right scheduling, will always land on the color “me.”
For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!
(By the way, this is what a pesticide-free fennel bulb looks like.)
43 Comments
March 20th, 2008 at 2:58 am
This is the first post I have read, got your link from stuffwhitepeoplelike. It’s very funny and I plan to read the rest of your posts after I drop you this line.
I wanted to give you some encouragement
(and your husband too- read his when I saw the link on yours- I hope for both of you that you get 2000 hits soon!
March 20th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
This is a cool site-although it is a small source of worry for me at this point: Am I way too White???
I actually plan large play dates-twice a year @ our house. We always invite everyone who signs up for the “Friendship Tree”.
The first one I planned was a Backyard Play & Pizza Date…1 hours of free playtime in the back yard, then 45 minutes of organized games, capped off with pizza and all natural fruit juices.
The other one was a Movie Date. The children got to vote on which movie would be seen from a list of three. The movie began @ 5 sharp. We served popcorn and (of course) all natural fruit juices.
This year we’re doing a “Bubble Date”…I am setting up the big bubble maker in the back yard and then providing the small hand held bubble blowers for all the guests. Of course there will be pizza and all natural fruit juices-LOL!
March 21st, 2008 at 2:03 am
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March 26th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
No, no, you’ve got it all wrong. We schedule the play dates because we live in “transitional” neighborhoods that allow us to enjoy our urban lifestyle and deride the suburbanites for their lack of diversity, but, like, no way can we let our kids play with the urchins who live near us or send them to the neighborhood school.
April 3rd, 2008 at 2:13 pm
1 for 10.
This is sad, folks.
June 8th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
And what are people supposed to do when there arent any kids in their neighborhood the same age as their children ?
I have a 1yo and a 4yo and they cant very well play with 8-13 yr olds now can they ?
We love our play dates. The kids get to play and interact with kids their own age, not because Im too busy doing other things that I have to schedule time for them to play.
June 19th, 2008 at 7:43 am
“1 for 10.”
What are you trying to prove? That you don’t understand sarcasm?
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:45 pm
I am sadly quilty of playdates. But I only joined them because my husband is military and we move around a lot. To meet people (I don’t work) I joined a playgroup here in the area. I enjoy it. =)
September 13th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
The problem is one of being one of the few Worst Parents in the neighborhood. We are terrible parents who don’t overschedule our kids, and kick them outside in the backyard to play, or tell them to go ride their bikes. But the problem is that every other kid around who is of the right age is hugely scheduled. No one is out just hanging out, playing all that.
So reluctantly, I have to schedule playdates. And I hate it with a passion. But it’s either that, or nothing around here. And it’s just ridiculous, because playdates need to be scheduled about 3 weeks in advance to find a free day. It’s nuts.
November 1st, 2008 at 6:16 pm
i don’t have kids and i thoroughly enjoy this blog! it is the best companion to a cup of coffee in the morning! what i find amusing is that people actually don’t comprehend sarcasm and the responses reflect that. thank god you point out all the idiocy that has become parenting. everyone is so damn precious. like they are the first at giving birth! i live in L.A. so it’s disgusting here. playdates and the right, celebrity filled pre-preschools. not firmly or violently for that matter correcting your child when he hits, kicks, bites or attacks your childless friends when they visit. instead you try to “talk it out”. seriously???!!!! you can’t talk reason to a 3 year old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so bravo on this blog. it will continue to make me happy in my decision NOT to reproduce and i certainly hope i’m dead before any of these progeny are old enough to run the country or the world for that matter! bad, bad parents!
March 31st, 2009 at 4:31 am
Do love the blog.
Do not have children.
That out of the way, what on EARTH are you expected to DO with a pesticide-free fennel bulb? Do you eat it? The pesticide-free bit suggests that it must be a food item to these people. But the only bulbs I know about are used for gardening or lighting a room…
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:22 pm
I’m just thinking back to when I was a child, and how much I’d have HATED it if my mother came every time I went over to the neighbors’ to play.
As annoying as kids’ today are, I also feel pretty sorry for them.
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