Wednesday, April 16th, 2008...7:50 pm
#26: Baby Einstein
The Best Parent is better than you because they sincerely believe their child will be the next Einstein or Mozart, but with more style and better hair. This is why, if they do let their child near a TV set, they will only play “educational” videos with the name of a legitimate scientific or cultural genius in the title.
The fact is: these DVDs are mostly under-produced puppet shows, eye curdling animated sequences, or, in the case of Baby Einstein, long, lurid shots of colorful playthings. In fact, Baby Einstein is the closest one will come to porn for babies. There is no plot, no character development, no production values. It’s just pure visual titillation. Like “Girls Gone Wild” for toddler toys.
Indeed, in a recent Best Parent Ever poll, respondents found Baby Einstein DVDs to be only slightly more educational than baby back ribs. What more proof is needed of these product’s true value?
So why is it so important for the Best Parent to set the bar so absurdly high for their poopy-diapered brainiacs? Wouldn’t it be better to instead show them something like “Baby Joe Blow” videos, in which the crummy puppets and animated critters instruct children to learn a few letters and numbers, and then be happy with where they are in life?
That’s not enough for the Best Parent, for whom aspiration is an addiction that is never quite satisfied. For no matter how much the Best Parent is better than you, there will always be some other Best Parent better than them. It is nearly impossible to win as a Best Parent, and it’s important for them to pass along this sense of existential shortfall to their brood at the youngest age possible. Thus the almost impossible aspirations: Baby Einstein, Baby Mozart, Baby Genius. Failure is almost guaranteed, and the Best Parent Circle of Life is complete.
So take that, young Albert Einstein, who was himself no “Baby Einstein!” The Best Parent is better than him, and they are better than you. It doesn’t take a genius to figure THAT out.
6 Comments
April 17th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
My parents gave me math wrap-ups when I was a kid–long before kids home video industry.
http://www.learningwrapups.com/wrapsOverview.asp. Does anyone remember these?
April 17th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Do you know that Eistein used to fail at school, well it is true that all parents want a genius but most parents are being duped.
April 18th, 2008 at 9:30 am
This blog is racist. If you don’t believe me just imagine what the equivalent for blacks would sound like.
“The black parent is better than you because they sincerely believe their child will be the next 2Pac or Michael Jordan, but with more education and better hair.”
April 26th, 2008 at 4:14 am
I bought a few Baby Einstein things and quickly realised that they sucked! I feel ashamed…
April 28th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
I fully disagree with the comments here. I never intended to allow my child to watch the baby Einstein videos, but grandma chose to do so one day. My child was enthralled. I never just placed him in front of the t.v. but if you sit with your child and interact they are great. My child learned animals, and sounds, stars, moon, and planets, what a barn and tractor are, not only from the videos, but we reinforced it with books and talking. My child is very intelligent, and is way above the curve of learning in his age group. I would like to think that the videos were stimulating, and encouraged his thought and imagination processes. Perhaps those are the issues you have, maybe you want dead, drone children who follow directions, don’t ask questions, and do exactly what they are told???
April 29th, 2008 at 12:47 am
Mom loves Baby Einstein videos.
Baby Noah had my daughter at 18 months old able to recognize various animals, including Caribou.
Mom also loves Natural Killers videos and GeoKids by National Geographic. The Leap Frog movies are great, too.
http://www.momstop.blogspot.com
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