Monday, March 24th, 2008...10:45 pm
#13: Shopping Cart Covers
The Best Parent knows the world is filled with germs. They are everywhere. But mostly, they are on the handles of shopping carts in gourmet food markets. This is where Best Parent and best child alike shovel numerous free samples of bruschetta and tapenade down their germ-infested gullets. And where are they wiping their hands afterward? That’s right — they’re not! While the Best Parent loves their child more than you do, shopping cart germs lead to sick children, and sick children cramp the Best Parent’s busy social schedule. But what can these Best Parents do? They have reservations at 7 pm, and their precious brood are being threatened with social-life killing child bacteria!
The answer for the Best Parent is, as always, to spend a substantial sum of money on something billions of non-best parents never even knew existed, let alone felt compelled to use — the shopping cart cover. Everyone knows these supermarket carts are cold metal petri dishes of disease! The Best Parent only has to look back to their European heritage to see the damage done by lax health standards. Were there shopping cart covers in 14th century Europe? Nope. And can you say Black Plague?
The shopping cart cover not only protects their child from all manner of diseases. It also announces to one and all in the aisles of Whole Foods that, “Yes, you may be eating fat free goat cheese too, but is your child ensconced in germ-free splendor? No, I didn’t think so.” And that’s why the Best Parent is better than you.
So take that, Patient Zero in aisle 3 by the children’s organic-honey cough medicine! Enjoy your night at home with the sick child. The shopping-cart-cover-toting Best Parent will be out living it up in style at their nearest upscale brasserie, slapping that same cover (without washing it) on the eatery’s well-used highchair, because everyone knows luxury restaurants are teeming with diseased children as well.
9 Comments
March 24th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
Me again.
Just wanted to let you know I HAD to email a coworker the link to your blog today!
I know I should have sooner, but the first sentance of today’s blog was her all over. She is a self professed OCD that has to nearly go through a bottle of hand sanitizer a week…oh, and she is white too.
THE WHITE PARENT REPLIES:
Sorry. Can’t reply now. Still waiting for the Purell to dry.
March 25th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
Great post keep up the good work
THE WHITE PARENT REPLIES:
“Work?” We don’t write this. We have convinced our non-white nanny it is part of her ESL assignment.
March 26th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
This is freeking hillarious. I love it! We bought one of these with our first kid and it was such a pain in the butt we used it maybe twice. There is a whole slew of things germophobe parents can buy this is just one of them. My sister owns them all and her kids are sick more often than mine are.
March 27th, 2008 at 5:42 am
Oh, this is hilarious! When I first heard about this, I thought, ‘White people need to get an immune system!’
I will soon be posting something about how Desis (Indians) find white people hilarious for just this reason.
http://www.desis101.wordpress.com
March 27th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
very funny. i got two of these as gifts. most useful for propping up my kid before he was big enough to sit in the seat. You’ll be happy to know that the same bottle of purell I had on hand at his bris will be available for guests at his first birthday party as it has hardly been used. I love your blog!
April 3rd, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Oh, good Lord, if you’re THAT worried about cooties, don’t take the kid shopping.
1 for 13.
April 14th, 2008 at 12:16 am
Please, won’t someone think of the poor little child in the first photograph!
Somebody call Social services, now!
April 16th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
I laughed my ass off at this. I saw not one, but two of those things about a week ago for the first time ever. My wife and I, despite being pedigreed whiteys, had never seen them before and snickered out loud like little kids at the sight of this poor baby in a giant, form fitted quilt thing with leg holes etc. To make it even better, the 2 covered-cart pushers passed by each other and you could almost hear their souls crush simultaneously. As an aside, they were both mid-30ish, had pageboy/ Posh Spice hairdos, clamdigger pants with high-end jogging shoes, and tight t-shirts to show off their incredible healthclub dedication. Homogenous to the extreme. Priceless in so many ways…
April 17th, 2008 at 2:58 am
I thought those things were intended to help babies stay vertical before they could sit up on their own. I just used rolled up blankets to prop my kid up, even though I’m white. I had no idea about the germ angle. That might explain why my little urchins are so healthy…
no Purell + no cart covers=healthy immune system
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