Thursday, June 26th, 2008...1:39 am
#44: Elimination Communication
So you thought you were a Best Parent Ever just because you used cloth diapers instead of disposable? Wrong! Try again. The true Best Parent Ever is STILL better than you – their children don’t even need diapers!
Hello…? It’s called Elimination Communication, an increasingly popular waste-management method that rejects all kinds of diapers in favor of constant parental patrols of Pee Street and Alley Poop.
That’s right, these babies are barebackin’ it. But don’t infants urinate, like, every 10 to 20 minutes? Ugh… maybe yours do. But the true Best Parent Ever is so perfectly attuned with not only their child, but the inner mechanics of their child’s bladder and bowels, that they can track the random mud scuds and pizzle drizzles down to the micro-second! And if they can’t, hopefully it’s not at their house (Pot Luck Childcare anyone?).
Perhaps you are asking yourself: have we really reached such an advanced level of social dystrophy that we have nothing better to do but spend hours upon hours honing our parental “poo-dar?” Why not just Pamper-Up and act like a grown-up, instead of a turd-tracking troglodyte? Because the Mud Hut Super Moms, who can’t afford real diapers, said it was a good idea, and several popular books on the subject have confirmed it. That’s why.
So take that, Baby Huey! You may just be a cartoon character, but your parents still did not love you enough to pull off your diapers and let you spray free and clear, like a Fourth of July pinwheel made of urine and feces. Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo would be proud. And so would the real Best Parent Ever.
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