Thursday, May 22nd, 2008...1:11 am
#35: Secret Tummy Tucks
The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they have a flatter stomach. It’s that simple. This is because the Best Parent Ever’s skin is like flesh-colored spandex, magically snapping back into place after being stretched outward several feet by a kicking, punching fetal Sumo or two. And cosmetic surgery had NOTHING whatsoever to do with it.
Unless you understand the secret Best Parent Ever Code. For instance, if you ask a Best Parent how they obtained such a flat stomach just a few months after birth, they will respond in one of several ways…
“I guess I just have good genes.” Translation: “Good genes that respond well to the medical sutures required in a Tummy Tuck.”
“I had to work-out really hard.” Translation: “I had to work out really hard convincing my health insurance to pay for a hernia operation, that was really just a Tummy Tuck.”
“My C-Section went incredibly well.” Translation: “My C-Section went so well, I had a second one a few months after birth. It was called a Tummy Tuck.”
So take that, Flabby Abby, whose life-giving womb is now a waistline-resistant, flesh-slide of belly blubber. The Best Parent Ever is comfortably squeezing into her size 2 jeans again, while looking at your belly and saying, “Congratulations! When is the next child due? Oh, you’re not pregnant? Whoops…”
Translation: “I’m sooo better than you!”
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