Best Parent Ever

The Best Parent Ever is better than you, and insists on telling you this every chance they get. You are obviously not raising your child right, because there is no way you can have the seemingly-endless reservoir of knowledge the Best Parent Ever has stored up in just a few hours of “attachment parenting” classes. “You’re feeding them THAT?” the Best Parent Ever says with a withering glance. “Don’t tell me you put COW’S milk in that phthalate-laden sippy cup? And how many vaccines did you say you gave your child? Oh, and you actually BELIEVED the doctor?”

Everyone and everything is wrong, wrong, wrong, regardless of academic degrees, scientific expertise, or previous parenting experience. Only the Best Parent Ever knows how best to raise not just their child, but yours as well. Normally accustomed to politely withholding opinions on politics and religion, the Best Parent Ever jumps Frye Boots first on any opportunity to verbally bitch-slap those procreators failing to live up to their ever-shifting standards in terms of vaccines, diet, discipline, and respecting the inner child within the child.

Yes, the lesser parent understands that everyone is entitled to an opinion. But isn’t that what in-laws are for? And isn’t that why so many parents moved away from their in-laws in the first place? What is it about expelling the extra-natal contents of a swollen womb that suddenly compels otherwise normal people to proclaim their infallibility in all things parental?

Why, they’re the Best Parent Ever! So take that, responsible lesser parent. The Best Parent Ever needs to inform you that they, and they alone, know how childhood is an almost constant deluge of emotional brimstone, threatening to turn their younglings into pillars of salt at the slightest glance at television, dairy products or pediatricians who actually practice medicine. So listen to them. Because we all know how unhealthy salt is, in pillar form or otherwise.