Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008...3:11 pm
#19: Baby Sign Language
Best Parents have only one speed for their children: accelerated. And what better way to provide a head start on that rugrat race of life than teaching their newborns how to communicate in sign language — well before they can talk, walk, or even hold their own heads up for more than a few seconds at a time.
This is because the Best Parent is better than you. And they have the studies to prove it. But, the non-best parent asks, don’t these people realize that the average six-month old only really needs to express three things: “I’m hungry. I’m tired. I just pooped myself.” Beyond that, what kind of extended conversations do Best Parents expect to have with their infants? Perhaps a literary discussion of the underlying themes and metaphors of the latest pop-up book they’ve teethed on.
So take that, hearing impaired people of the world! Your once vital form of communication has been co-opted by the shameless and virulent ambitions of the gung-ho Best Parent attempting to fast-track their spawn. Just try to say that in sign language. You can’t. And that’s why the Best Parent is better than you.
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