The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they never cut their toddler’s hair. This is most noticeable amongst young boys (see above). Since when did all the Best Parents insist their male children run around playgrounds like miniature versions of long-forgotten heavy-metal stars and grunge bands? Hey, “Welcome to the Jungle Gym,” little pint-sized Axl Rose. That’s not “Teen Spirit” you’re smelling, tiny Kurt Cobain — it’s your dirty pull-up diaper! As for that three-foot high Eddie Vedder in the sandbox, he has one thing to say to you: “Don’t call me daughter.”

Whatever happened to haircuts? The Best Parent Ever loves defying convention whenever possible — especially when it makes their life easier. First haircuts can be traumatic for both child and Best Parent alike. Why bother with that hassle when the Best Parent Ever can just announce they have decided to “preserve my child’s birth hair,” which is just a fancy way of saying “I don’t want to hear my child scream at the local Snip-its.”

More importantly, though, the Best Parent Ever is hypoallergenic to all but the most fashionable and stylistic choices available. And let’s face it. Boy haircuts pretty much only come in two varieties: The Buzzcut or The Bowl. In a choice between The Blue Boy and The Dutch Boy, the Best Parent is going for the one with the long hair and culottes (that would be The Blue Boy, by the way).

So take that, rabble-rousing hair bands of the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s! Your rock-n-roll, rebel hairstyles have been completely co-opted by a bunch of longhaired toddlers birthed by the Best Parent Ever. And that’s why the Best Parent Ever is better than you! Well, at least until that first lice check.

For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!