Thursday, September 4th, 2008...1:28 am
#54: Baby kneepads
The Best Parent Ever is better than you because their infant wears baby kneepads.
Who knew crawling was such a hazardous activity for infants? Has the Best Parent Ever forsaken their understated Berbers for stylish wall-to-wall shards of glass?
| No, sadly, not yet. But that doesn’t mean they will avoid armor-plating their baby’s kneecaps. Wait a minute… Children barely even HAVE kneecaps until about the age of 2 1/2. That’s when the patella ossifies. Up until then, it’s just a lumpy mush of cartilage and baby fat, perfectly designed for… well… crawling? |
So take that, future uppity folk who have descended from soft-kneed BPEs. The rest of the world will have grown up sharpening their leg joints on hardwood floors and Saxony plush broadlooms, making them that much stronger to knee you in the friggin’ groin when you annoy them. And you won’t be able to do anything about it with those those underdeveloped, phlegm-filled, kneepad-protected squid-sacs above your shins. But at least you – and your parents — will still be better than them.
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15 Comments
September 4th, 2008 at 4:52 am
LMFAO!!! Nice! Ever hear of Monkey Legs? Google em, apparently I’m “not with the trends” cause my kid doesn’t own any….
Squid sacs….man, I’ll be laughing at that forever I swear…lol!
September 4th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Ha! Poor baby, looks like he can’t even move his little legs. As for the monkey legs, we have some!!! It’s true, I am the BPE! (except we bought ours at Kmart for like $2 a pair) They are so darn cute and are great for summer when it’s too hot for pants, but stores and restaurants keep it frigid.
September 4th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
people seriously do this??? roflmfao… I soooo thought you were kidding!!!
September 4th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
hahahaha!!! lmfao!!! i was looking trough a parenting mag the other day and they have baby helmets. ya know cause it’s so far to fall when you’re learning to walk!!
September 4th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
I too was suuuuure this had to be a joke when I saw this post, but no, the things BPEs will spend their money on just never ends. There are baby helmets (hint: don’t take them on busy city streets on your bicycle dumbass, take the Volvo downtown), elbow pads, kneepads.
I found a product for the BPEs to wear, so no one ever needs to know they’re full of shit: Subtle Butt Disposable Gas Neutralizers (my screen name links to it). These charcoal activated beauties are as real as baby knee pads, and just as necessary for the BPE lifestyle too!
September 8th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Regarding the helmets… my daycare lady used one for her daughter when she was crawling and learning to walk. I first thought it was because she had a issue wit her head. HA!
September 9th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
All my kids started to walk early because it was not very comfortable to crawl on hard-wood. Funny idea, knee pads!!!! lol
September 16th, 2008 at 12:46 am
Ha ha, found your blog today via Marisa’s Creative Thursday blog…love it!
September 21st, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Just discovered this site — forget how I got here — hilarious! I love it! Baby knee pads. Really? Can’t wait to read more posts.
October 9th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
LOL!
When our first started crawling on the deck and other unforgiving surfaced, my hubs and I were like, “oooh…we should patent a baby knee pad to prevent the scrapes and battered knees.” We were all about every little scrape on her body back then. Then, when we had our second, we wised up.
March 17th, 2011 at 5:18 pm
Ive been looking over your blog and really enjoy it. thank you for the fun reads! do you ever do any biking ?
April 26th, 2011 at 10:17 am
I’d have got to confer with you here. Which is not something It’s my job to do! I spend time reading an article which will get people to think. Also, thanks for allowing me to comment!
May 26th, 2011 at 9:04 pm
I’m thinking of making my 19 month old some sort of knee pads made from old socks. Cut some long ones and fold them around the knees. Already have one pair. The area where he plays the most is hard concrete with small rocks here and there from the garden. His knees are so rough that he has started to crawl on his hands and feet they hurt so much. He looks like Gollum. He likes to play with cars, that’s why he crawls. And…I was thinking of getting him a helmet for when he is outside, only here, because the plant borders are made out of brick and our fun 18 month old lab knocked him down once and his head fell straight into one of the corners causing a nasty gash. Luckily his head wasn’t split open. And she knocks him over A LOT. So, go ahead and make fun of me. Maybe I am being one of those future uppity folks mother. Then again, my mom let me crawl all over on unprotected knees and I’ve had three surgeries and a major dislocation (knees). So maybe I’m bitter.
All aside great article and I agree. However, there are exceptions.
January 7th, 2012 at 8:31 am
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